Getting Comfortable with Accountability
Accountability is a very polarizing topic. When you read the word “accountability,” you probably either thought something along the lines of:
“Yup, accountability is the best ability! You gotta have it if you want to be successful.”
Or you were tempted to stop reading and open another web page (thanks for hanging in there so far) because accountability has a negative, icky-feeling connotation for you.
I would agree with the first sentiment, as accountability is one of the six big traits we look for as a leading indicator of the type of person who is going to be successful within Thrive’s ecosystem. But I also have a lot of empathy for those who have had a more negative experience with that word in the past.
There’s a huge difference between healthy accountability, where people who care about you and want to see you win call out the best in you; and the stick-and-carrot, hold-your-feet-to-the-fire type of manipulation that is often poorly disguised as accountability and is designed to make us perform to avoid guilt and; shame. The understatement of the year is that I’m not a fan of THAT flavor of “accountability.” Gross.
The benefits of accountability are undeniable: I have yet to meet someone who didn’t get better results in the gym when they were working out with a great coach/trainer/partner vs. when they worked out by themselves in isolation. Yet, ironically, our natural inclination is to avoid it. Why is that?
Ego and Insecurity
To engage in healthy accountability, we have to have humility. Humility along with a healthy level of self-confidence is a tricky thing to cultivate. I’ve been in a bad place before with my own self-image, and I’m guessing you have as well. Maybe you’re there right now. When you or I already don’t feel good about ourselves, we obviously don’t want to expose our flaws, weaknesses, doubts, or shortcomings to other people as well.
Because our inner critic judges us so harshly, we automatically assume everyone else on the outside is judging us just as harshly. In reality, most people spend WAY less time thinking about us than we assume they do, but our perception IS our reality.
Here’s a key question to ask yourself: “am I more concerned with looking good, or am I more concerned with being good?”
Here are a few practical tips to help you move to and stay in a good place ego-wise:
Limit your time on social media. Comparison is the thief of joy. The vast majority of posts are an overdone, photo-shopped, filtered, hyperbolic version of what some other insecure, self-centered person wants you to believe is their reality, and it’s HIGHLY unlikely that lots of time on social media is going to help you develop a healthy self-image and overcome your own insecurities.
Secondly, develop confidence anchors for yourself. Put up visual reminders of past accomplishments or experiences that remind you what you’re great at, who loves you, who appreciates you, etc. These can be things like awards, plaques, or trophies; it could also be pictures of favorite memories; it could be a handwritten note or thank you card you’ve gotten in the past. Put these things in places where you’ll see them most often. In addition to that, surround yourself with people who believe in you and encourage you, and avoid people who criticize you or bring you down.
Lastly, focus on the connection between your goals and how the work you’re doing or the achievement you’re seeking will add value to or help other people. The quickest way to get past the ego is to focus on selflessness - what can I do to make someone else’s day or life better? Ask yourself: what will accomplishing my goals allow me to do for the people or causes I care most deeply about?
Trust Issues
The second roadblock to wanting to be accountable to others is trust.
It’s hard to be vulnerable with someone when we aren’t confident that they have our best interests in mind. When someone you don’t trust talks to you about having accountability, it’s easy to assume “they’re just trying to get me to do something for them,” and whether that’s true or not, no one likes to feel used or manipulated. It deeply and subconsciously violates our innate desire for self-directedness, autonomy, and control.
Many of us who are self-employed chose that path because we craved independence. Naturally, having someone else “get all up in our business” feels very against the grain, so it’s not weird that you would want to avoid accountability since it requires interdependence.
Before you can engage in healthy accountability, it’s important to find someone you can trust, someone who wants what’s best for you, someone who is willing to invest time with you. These are the type of people in your life who, when you’re with them, talk very little about themselves, but instead ask you a lot of questions and are great listeners. Invite them to check in with you. Share your goals with them. Permit them to ask you about your goals.
As a side note, if you can’t immediately think of someone who fits the above description in your current work environment, it’s probably time to find a different environment!
While people we know outside the workplace can certainly help us be accountable to our work goals, there’s absolutely no replacement for the value of someone who is doing the same work we’re doing and intimately understands the joys and frustrations, the highs and lows, the challenges, the processes, what it takes to be successful, etc.
Lack of Goals/Context
The third key to healthy accountability is goals. When we have clearly defined, well-planned-out, meaningful goals that we’ve set for ourselves and that we’re excited about accomplishing, it’s naturally very easy to appreciate someone in our corner who will consistently check in with us to make sure we’re on track (back to that trust thing).
However, in the absence of clear, meaningful goals, the people around us who care about us and want to see us win have no framework of what to hold us accountable to…because we haven’t given them one.
We haven’t given ourselves that framework. In the absence of that framework, any accountability has a high risk of feeling like manipulation or micro-management. Often, this lack of goals arises from fear of failure: if I don’t set a goal, there’s no risk of feeling bad or looking bad in the event I don’t accomplish it. It could also be a result of ignorance: if I don’t know HOW to set goals effectively or how powerful goals can be, naturally I wouldn’t waste my time engaging in goal-setting. I’d just put my head down and keep trying hard.
While many of us would still be able to perform at a very high level without goals and accountability, I would humbly submit that we will always accomplish more and grow more with them than we would without them.
Do you have clear, meaningful, supercharged goals written down, along with a deadline for accomplishing them (think next 90 days)?
Do you have a written plan of the controllable activities you need to execute to accomplish those goals? Have you shared them with at least one other person, someone you trust who will check in regularly with you to make sure you’re on track?